On the Road Again – this time with kids

I received a call from my sister over the weekend. She was preparing to undergo emergency surgery to repair a twisted/blocked/knotted intestine.  Five and 1/2 hours later she emerged lighter by 2 1/2 feet of colon, 8 inches of intestine and an appendix! Yikes!  She is on major restrictions – and drugs – for the next several weeks.

When I last talked with her, she proceeded to tell me how the doctors inflated her with gas and were all waiting for her to fart before she could leave the hospital.  Hmmm. This is a situation ripe for jokes! 

Seriously, she is in much pain and prayers are appreciated.

The kiddos and I are headed to her house to help out. I debated flying but didn’t feel so good about the $1,500 price tag, and that was only if I lied about Bugaboo turning 3 this past weekend and claimed he was still 2. I wasn’t so keen on that (and he keeps proudly announcing to everyone “I tree now”).  So we’ll leave bright and early at the ass crack of dawn (5 am) on Wednesday.  I’ve driven the 563 miles before myself, but not with two kids.  I’ve taken care of many kids before, but not 5, related to me, kids at once. 

So I’ll be back in a week, sure to be filled with lots of funny tales about my sister’s drug induced state, my managing (or lack thereof) of 5 children and my BIL, and attempting to “homeschool” my child for 3 days.


Enemies of the Clutz

Clutz – Someone who is extremely careless, stupid and a hazard to be around. Trips over shoes constantly, breaks anything he touches, should not be allowed around heavy machinery or anything that might put other’s lives in danger. (from urban dictionary)

I am a clutz. No doubt about it. From the time I was born I have been a clutz.  I could blame it on the fact that I grew to fast, I have big feet, I have depth-perception issues or on a whole host of issues. But the point is, if the floor is wet, I will fall.

A few years ago, I walked into a very nice resort with a beautiful slate floor. The problem is that it was raining.  I slipped and did the “running man” where you run forward, trying to catch yourself.  I caught myself, all right.  By running, face first, into a jagged rock wall.  I came to looking up at the resort manager asking me my name and if I knew where I was.  I said something about being there for a legal conference to which she responded, “You’re an attorney” and everyone around me (we were all there for the conference) said “Yes, we are all attorneys,” to which I swear she said, “Oh shit!”  One ambulance ride later I was in the ER where I found out that sadly, my nose was not broken.  I was hoping for some plastic surgery – never did like my nose. Unfortunately the doctor said it would go right back to the way it was in a few days when the swelling and black eyes faded.

Last night I thought the meeting started at 6:30.  Only after I had settled Bugaboo in the tub did I realize it started at 6:00 meaning that we were currently already 5 minutes late.  Toddlers don’t like being disrupted when they are in the middle of their favorite activity (bathing) and so he proceeded to throw a fit. You may recall that I have previously been taken out by Bugaboo throwing his plate of food on the floor.  Yes, that was me – the one who slipped on corn and dislocated my knee.  So this time, you’d think I’d be more careful. Nope – ran in the bathroom and WHOOSH!  Flat on my back on the pink tiled floor.  Today my behind provides a remarkable imprint of that tile pattern.  Luckily I escaped this time with minor bruising and a twisted ankle.  I’m not telling anyone though. I can just see the medical records……………Clutz strikes again.

So just call me Clumsy

If you are also Clumsy, let me offer this advice.  Enemies of the Clutzy include –

  • High heeled shoes, wedges or flip-flops – you should avoid these type shoes at all costs.  Clutzes can’t just break a heel like normal people. No, your heel gets caught in the escalator while the rest of you continues moving. Your flipflop melts a bit and adheres to the hot tar of the pavement while you continue to walk. Wedges are just disastrous and not designed for those who lack balance.  Trust me.
  • Stairs, escalators and moving walkways – need I even explain why? 
  • Wet surfaces – just avoid them at all costs.  I am currently working on obtaining a statement from my doctor which excuses me from mopping, bathing, washing my children or dogs, and doing laundry.  I do not do well around wet surfaces.  Perhaps it is because I like swimming so much that my behind desires to be in direct touch with the wet floor?  All I know is that clutzes need to turn and walk away (slowly and carefully) when they see the wet floor sign.
  • Round Objects – balls, beads or other round objects on the floor will inevitably end up underneath your feet.  ‘Nough said
  • Toddlers and pets – yes they will rush at your ankles and knees and yes, they will take you out.
  • Rushing – just when you think you have mastered the art of walking without falling, along comes a deadline.  Rushing is just a way of insuring disaster will come.

The best product for a clutz

Aflac – seriously.

Their accident policy is a blessing.  I collect on it every year (I shouldn’t brag about that probably).  It started when I fell down the stairs at my apartment 10 years ago, just 6 months after getting the policy.  Submitted the doctor’s bill for the diagnosed “Bruised buttocks – use hemoroid-like pillow for sitting” and collected $$.  Then there were the 2 car accidents (only 1 of which was my fault), followed by the run-in (literally) with the rock wall, described above.  Another fall down the stairs (this time they were not carpeted) and then the slip on corn incident.  Too bad my Aflac coverage ended with my last job.  Then again, I’m not sure they wouldn’t try to disqualify me based on my pre-existing condition as a diagnosed Clutz!

(are you a clutz? tell me your best story in the comment section)







It’s a Money Conspiracy

 Being the good little Mommy and employee, I got my flu shot earlier this fall. Actually what happened is that Munchkin and I were at Walmart and when we walked in they were handing out flu shots.  Munchkin told me I should get one. A flu shot at Walmart?  Hmmm. Well why not. We get everything else there. And they were not collecting a copay. So I bribed Munchkin and promised her a toy if she’d get one too. I figured I’d save the copay. The lady did request my credit card info just in case our insurance didn’t cover the shot. Well I thought the insurance covered the shot, so we went ahead.  I was wrong and later received a bill.

At Bugaboo’s two year old visit, I had him get the flu shot along with his other shots.  My husband is a big sissy and did not get the flu shot. He swears the shot is a conspiracy to collect money and is really worthless.

Last week I swore I had the flu so off to the doctor I went. No flu.  Just the virus that acts like the flu but is not the flu. Copay of $25 and told to wait it out.

Wednesday Bugaboo came home with a raging fever. This is not-so-concidentally after my friend brought her two children to play just 4 nights prior and then informed me that she had given her oldest Motrin to bring down her fever before the playdate.  Thanks a bunch, friend.

So off to the doctor we go yesterday where Bugaboo is diagnosed with Strand B of the flu. The doctor mentioned that even people who have had the flu shot are testing positive. And by the way, even those with the flu shot are getting Strand A and H1N1 and yes you can get all three. At that point my husband started ranting about the government conspiracy to make us all get flu shots and there was probably some mind control medicine in there. I told him to shut up.

The doctor offered tamiflu to reduce Bugaboo’s symptoms by 24 hours but warned of the side effects.  He’s not acting horribly bad – just a fever mostly so we declined. But we did ask about it as preventative. Apparently the side effects for the preventative dose aren’t supposed to be “that” bad.  DH wanted to argue but I told him if I got sick, then Munchkin, then him, that would be 4 weeks out of work total for the family, and that I’d likely kill him if he was sick and whiny a week and I’d definitely kill him if I missed my much planned girls’ trip next weekend.  He saw the “look of death” in my eyes and shut up. 

So we went off to call our respective doctors for tamiflu. No one warned us of the copay.  $50 a pop.

All total –

$25 each for 2 flu shots = $50 plus the $20 toy needed to bribe Munchkin to get the shot

$25 copay for doctor’s visit

$25 each for 3 tamiflu shots = $150

other assorted medicines, vicks vapor rubs –

All TOTAL – estimated $300 plus wine to let mommy survive the next few days

and don’t forget the massive amounts of immodium needed to counteract the so-called “mild” side effects of tamiflu.

It’s a lovely day in my neighborhood – how about yours? I really will be Legally Insane after this week.


I survived Munchkins birthday party and first sleepover. The girls were even asleep before 11 pm. Both Friday and Saturday night I slept from 11 pm until 6:30/7 the next morning. I also napped 2 hours on Saturday and 3 hours on Sunday. That should have been my first clue.  Monday I felt sluggish. No amount of coffee made me perk up.  I also received an email from our office manager that pink eye, strep throat, the flu, a stomach virus and a cold were running rampant around the office.

Tuesday I woke up to my alarm and knew I was going nowhere. I was achy, with cold and flu symptoms. My head was killing me. My limbs felt as if each weighed 500 lbs.  I decided to stay in bed and the next thing I knew it was 11 am.  I got up briefly and took another nap.  Sleeping that many hours in a row cemented my belief that I was sick.

Wednesday wasn’t all that much better. I headed to the doctor to find out I had a flu-like virus – not the flu.  The doctor says there is a virus, lasting 5-7 days, that is like the flu, but not the flu.  Lucky me…..I’m feeling some better now. Still tired though.

Husband went to work as usual. So except for getting a friend to bring Munchkin home after church, I still had to pick up both children, run them to activities, cook, bathe, help with homework and all the other mommy duties. No rest for the weary.

So now the wait begins……will Munchkin get it? Bugaboo? Husband?  Husband is the only one who did not get the flu shot so he’s most susceptible to that.  Strep and the flu are going around Bugaboo’s daycare so he’s definitely exposed. Half of Munchkin’s school is out.  So odds are this is only going to get worse before it gets better.

If Husband gets sick, you’ll see a post from me seeking a safe haven.  Sick men are no fun. My husband being sick is a recipe for disaster. He will become convinced he is dying, lock himself in his room and refuse to come out for fear of exposing anyone.  Fun times, for sure!

TWO pounds — not Two Hundred

Remember that knee injury in the last post? Apparently it wasn’t as benign as I thought. When I got up Friday, my knee was very achy.  It felt like a knuckle that needed to be popped/cracked.   So I proceeded to bend my knee in and out and pressed sideways.


Apparently that was me putting my dislocated knee back into place.  Or, at least, that was what the doctor said when I showed up at her office Friday afternoon.  Right before she put me in a full-leg imobilizer and on crutches.  I have an appointment with the orthopedic specialist on Monday morning.  She prescribed anti-inflammatory drugs.  She offered pain pills but I declined, which would turn out to be a stupid move.

Before going to the doctor I had to come home and shave my legs. Despite pain, I was not going to show up with hairy legs. My husband thought that was funny.  I reminded him that if I ended up with some sort of brace, it would be a long time before I got to shave that leg again and I might as well start out right.

So I also started on the path to eating better and working out this week.  I’m pretty sure I read that you’re supposed to start with small weights and work your way up. I had planned to start with the 2 and 5 pound weights downstairs. I had not intended to try to lug my 200 pound self around on crutches. I’m not sure what is more sore – my knee or my shoulders.

A note to the patrons at Target – I’m very sorry for your toes. I am not used to driving those automated cart-thingies. I promise running into you was not intentional. I would have sent my husband into the store; however, we needed supplies to work on my daughter’s school project and that is something Mommy is more familiar with.

I’m wondering if anyone has an absolutely infallible spill-proof toddler cup.  At this point, paying $20 for a really good cup is cheaper than the money I’m sure to pay in medical bills.