30 Things to do in 2012

Yeah I know, it’s almost the end of January. However I find myself procrastinating as of late.  Instead of a resolution, here are 30 things that are on my “to do” list in 2012 because I probably will do them at some point this year.  Consider them predictions (especially because in the time it took me to actually finishing writing and publishing this post, some have already occurred)

  1. Teach my children at least one new four-letter word  (check – me + Wii Super Mario brothers = bad language)
  2. Cry over a work case (done)
  3. Get a tattoo with my sister (done. Got my first.  Will post pictures sometime)
  4. Piss of my mother (done – see #3)
  5. Learn something new about my family (just discovered my father was convicted of felony child abuse – cruelty the year he died – and it wasn’t with respect to me or my sister)
  6. Love on my kids and learn new things about them.
  7. Realize my children are getting way too old too quick.
  8. Cope with my son’s sensory processing issues and my daughter’s anxiety issues.  Try not to go insane doing it.
  9. Struggle to adapt to change  (having just learned DH is switching to first shift, this is already occuring)
  10. Take back over the grocery shopping in an attempt to save money, actually have food in the house, and have something to eat besides Double stuffed oreos (not that those aren’t tasty).
  11. Struggle with my weight and exercising.
  12. Dye my hair at least 3 new shades and wonder why on earth I don’t just stick with the color I know and like.
  13. Plan someone’s death in agonizing detail – do nothing about it.
  14. Play “Just Dance” and laugh
  15. Try 5 new types of wine
  16. Read good books – some stupid filth trash novels (Sookie Stackhouse anyone?) and some really good ones (The Help)
  17. Curb my sarcastic side enough that I don’t get slapped.
  18. Do something which requires me to apologize to my children.
  19. Curse at an appliance in my house (done – the f***ing dishwasher broke)
  20. Dream of winning enough money to just pay off my school loans.
  21. Get irritated because other people are not as organized as me.
  22. Come up with new creative ways to organize my family (dry erase board To Do lists are working well)
  23. Be thankful for a husband that loves hunting and in-laws that love my children such that he can take the children to his parents, hunt all day, and leave me at home ALONE.
  24. Pin a zillion things to pinterest and only make about 5.
  25. Go scrapbooking with the girls (trip already planned).
  26. Realize how much I love my sister and miss her terribly when we are apart.
  27. Spend the first half of the year planning a beach vacation, then go and have a great time, and then the second half of the year planning next year’s trip.
  28. Go camping at least 2x.
  29. Drink insane amounts of coffee.
  30. Wonder for a brief second how much $$ I spend between coffee and scrapbook supplies, but then realize it’s still cheaper than prozac!

Happy 2012 everyone!

I Started a Riot – in a Church

When Munchkin turned 4, we got her an “elf on a shelf” from “Elf Magic” and it is a stuffed type elf with yarn for hair. Very cute.  She came with snowflake paper cut-outs that you sprinkle on her and a little letter that was so sweet.  The only instructions were to leave a cracker and water out for the elf and sprinkle her with snowflakes every night.

I totally had a brain fart and was too damn lazy to go look at it when I remembered (last month) that I needed to order Bugaboo one.  So I ended up ordering from somewhere different and he got the actual Elf on a shelf plastic dude. (sort of ugly and creepy looking). Well plastic dude (who we named Scotty) came with a freakin’ instruction book and apparently the rules :eyebrow: say that you are not supposed to touch them or you’ll drain their magic or some crap. Who knew? Munchkin has been playing with her elf for a long time. So I just ignored that part and carried on.

Last night, Bugaboo wanted to take Elf Scotty to the library. Sure. Whatever gets a 3 year old out of the house without a temper tantrum. Right? We leave the library after reading to Scotty and having a nice (sans tantrums) time and go to pick up Munckin from her Girl Scouts meeting (which is held in a church). 

As we stood in the church lobby with all the Girl and Boy scout moms and kids, Bugaboo starts playing with Elf Scotty. 

Kids are FREAKING OUT EVERYWHERE!! Dive bombing him. “DON’T TOUCH THE ELF!” “YOU CAN’T TOUCH THE ELF!” “NO NO NO” “YOU’LL BREAK HIM!”  “YOU’LL DRAIN HIS MAGIC”

One kid was seriously crying. And another kid is like “mommy see he plays with his elf. I want to take (whatever he named it – I can’t remember) to school!” The mother shot me a look designed to kill me.

So kids were screaming. Moms were scrambling and I just wanted the floor to open up.

So if you read about a riot in a church — it was me. Now to find some wine and figure out what those damn elves are going to do tonight. I’m thinking fishing in the toilet is a good activity……………………  or maybe this will happen……

On the Road Again – this time with kids

I received a call from my sister over the weekend. She was preparing to undergo emergency surgery to repair a twisted/blocked/knotted intestine.  Five and 1/2 hours later she emerged lighter by 2 1/2 feet of colon, 8 inches of intestine and an appendix! Yikes!  She is on major restrictions – and drugs – for the next several weeks.

When I last talked with her, she proceeded to tell me how the doctors inflated her with gas and were all waiting for her to fart before she could leave the hospital.  Hmmm. This is a situation ripe for jokes! 

Seriously, she is in much pain and prayers are appreciated.

The kiddos and I are headed to her house to help out. I debated flying but didn’t feel so good about the $1,500 price tag, and that was only if I lied about Bugaboo turning 3 this past weekend and claimed he was still 2. I wasn’t so keen on that (and he keeps proudly announcing to everyone “I tree now”).  So we’ll leave bright and early at the ass crack of dawn (5 am) on Wednesday.  I’ve driven the 563 miles before myself, but not with two kids.  I’ve taken care of many kids before, but not 5, related to me, kids at once. 

So I’ll be back in a week, sure to be filled with lots of funny tales about my sister’s drug induced state, my managing (or lack thereof) of 5 children and my BIL, and attempting to “homeschool” my child for 3 days.

Damsels (not) in Distress

 As I wrote about in my last post, I was away on a Girls’ Weekend. We had much wine fun. 

On Friday we arrived at the mountain cabin after a trip to the grocery store.  We then drove down two gravel roads during which time we lost cell phone service and internet capability.  The view from the cabin was breathtaking. Friday night consisted of eating food, drinking wine and catching up.  Saturday consisted of a wine tour and tasting, a nice meal out, more wine at the cabin and some scrapbooking.  We then slept in on Sunday and drove home, by way of another winery where we did another tasting.  We also hit a chocolate factory one day and purchased some chocolate to go with our wine.  It was much fun.  No crying kids. No husbands. No phone. No internet. No email. 

Our only real adventure came when we left on Sunday.  We thought the car acted funny but blew it off as being a bit sluggish on the gravel road. When we pulled onto the paved road we realized that there was indeed something wrong.  A quick glance at the car revealed an extremely flat tire.  Polling revealed that only I had ever changed a tire (thank you Dad for finally teaching me something useful and insisting I know how to change a flat and thanks to my 1976 vehicle that left me with a flat tire thereby ensuring I actually had practiced those skills in the past).

I instructed the driver to pull back onto the paved road so the vehicle was level.  I retrieved the instruction manual and she and I unloaded the car to access the spare tire. The other girl watched for traffic.  The last girl was quite sure we should not be changing the tire and went off to find a male neighbor.  I remembered enough to know that when jacking up a car you should make sure the jack contacts with steel or metal, and not plastic.  The instruction booklet showed a picture of just such a point.  We finally figured out how to unscrew the jack and tire from the compartment (car manufacturers definitely don’t want to let you access such things easily – THREE bolts fastened the suckers down).  We had the spare tire out and the car halfway jacked up when the friend returned with the male neighbor.

He told us we were doing a great job but he’d be glad to help us out, especially with the lug nuts since they are often very tight.  We let him take over.  Soon we were back on the road and 1/4 mile later pulled off for some gas.  Since this was a country (middle of nowhere) gas station, you had to pay inside.  When asked, the cashier mentioned a car repair shop just down the road.  A quick call later, and we learned the owner had stopped in to pay some bills and would be glad to plug the tire for us.  A short while later and $30 paid ($20 bill and we tipped the man $10 for helping us out) and we were on our way. Less than 1 hour lost from top to bottom.

We felt pretty proud of ourselves.  While we did accept help, I know that we probably could have managed on our own. And we wouldn’t have had to resort to this –

Girl’s Trip – hitting the road

Whew! Talk about stress. After the last post ended up on “Freshly Pressed,” I feel all this stress to make this next post perfectly wonderful.  How to cope with all that stress?

  R  O  A  D         T  R  I   P

I work half a day tomorrow and then am hitting the road with three friends.  One of my friends is fortunate enough to own a mountain house with her husband, which is luckily not rented for the weekend.  We have the 3 bedroom, 3 bath house all to ourselves.  This will be my third trip there.

This house is in the mountains, down a windy dirt road on the side of a mountain.  You can see forever.  The living room has a fabulous fireplace with a wall of windows.  There is a hot tub outside.  There is a land line phone – but no interent and no cell phone service. Lovely!

There will be lots of this

 

Wine – a tour of a winery and sampling and lots of tasting.

Scrapbooking – some of this

Sleep – lots of this

Chocolate – tons of this

Best of all – none of this –

See you on the flip side.

Enemies of the Clutz

Clutz – Someone who is extremely careless, stupid and a hazard to be around. Trips over shoes constantly, breaks anything he touches, should not be allowed around heavy machinery or anything that might put other’s lives in danger. (from urban dictionary)

I am a clutz. No doubt about it. From the time I was born I have been a clutz.  I could blame it on the fact that I grew to fast, I have big feet, I have depth-perception issues or on a whole host of issues. But the point is, if the floor is wet, I will fall.

A few years ago, I walked into a very nice resort with a beautiful slate floor. The problem is that it was raining.  I slipped and did the “running man” where you run forward, trying to catch yourself.  I caught myself, all right.  By running, face first, into a jagged rock wall.  I came to looking up at the resort manager asking me my name and if I knew where I was.  I said something about being there for a legal conference to which she responded, “You’re an attorney” and everyone around me (we were all there for the conference) said “Yes, we are all attorneys,” to which I swear she said, “Oh shit!”  One ambulance ride later I was in the ER where I found out that sadly, my nose was not broken.  I was hoping for some plastic surgery – never did like my nose. Unfortunately the doctor said it would go right back to the way it was in a few days when the swelling and black eyes faded.

Last night I thought the meeting started at 6:30.  Only after I had settled Bugaboo in the tub did I realize it started at 6:00 meaning that we were currently already 5 minutes late.  Toddlers don’t like being disrupted when they are in the middle of their favorite activity (bathing) and so he proceeded to throw a fit. You may recall that I have previously been taken out by Bugaboo throwing his plate of food on the floor.  Yes, that was me – the one who slipped on corn and dislocated my knee.  So this time, you’d think I’d be more careful. Nope – ran in the bathroom and WHOOSH!  Flat on my back on the pink tiled floor.  Today my behind provides a remarkable imprint of that tile pattern.  Luckily I escaped this time with minor bruising and a twisted ankle.  I’m not telling anyone though. I can just see the medical records……………Clutz strikes again.

So just call me Clumsy

If you are also Clumsy, let me offer this advice.  Enemies of the Clutzy include –

  • High heeled shoes, wedges or flip-flops – you should avoid these type shoes at all costs.  Clutzes can’t just break a heel like normal people. No, your heel gets caught in the escalator while the rest of you continues moving. Your flipflop melts a bit and adheres to the hot tar of the pavement while you continue to walk. Wedges are just disastrous and not designed for those who lack balance.  Trust me.
  • Stairs, escalators and moving walkways – need I even explain why? 
  • Wet surfaces – just avoid them at all costs.  I am currently working on obtaining a statement from my doctor which excuses me from mopping, bathing, washing my children or dogs, and doing laundry.  I do not do well around wet surfaces.  Perhaps it is because I like swimming so much that my behind desires to be in direct touch with the wet floor?  All I know is that clutzes need to turn and walk away (slowly and carefully) when they see the wet floor sign.
  • Round Objects – balls, beads or other round objects on the floor will inevitably end up underneath your feet.  ‘Nough said
  • Toddlers and pets – yes they will rush at your ankles and knees and yes, they will take you out.
  • Rushing – just when you think you have mastered the art of walking without falling, along comes a deadline.  Rushing is just a way of insuring disaster will come.

The best product for a clutz

Aflac – seriously.

Their accident policy is a blessing.  I collect on it every year (I shouldn’t brag about that probably).  It started when I fell down the stairs at my apartment 10 years ago, just 6 months after getting the policy.  Submitted the doctor’s bill for the diagnosed “Bruised buttocks – use hemoroid-like pillow for sitting” and collected $$.  Then there were the 2 car accidents (only 1 of which was my fault), followed by the run-in (literally) with the rock wall, described above.  Another fall down the stairs (this time they were not carpeted) and then the slip on corn incident.  Too bad my Aflac coverage ended with my last job.  Then again, I’m not sure they wouldn’t try to disqualify me based on my pre-existing condition as a diagnosed Clutz!

(are you a clutz? tell me your best story in the comment section)

 

 

 

 

 

 

From Redneck Girl to Sophisticated Lady

 This weekend we travelled to my in-laws for the night. They live way out in the country where cell phone reception is questionable and there is no wireless internet.   I can let the children run outside and know if they happen to run far enough to leave the boundaries of FIL’s land, that they’ll end up on some other relative’s land and be returned.  We arrived mid-morning Saturday where my ILs gave the children Easter baskets and hyped them up on sugar. Then we went out and rode the tractor which has a cart hooked up behind it.  We flew kites (and drug them around with the tractor).  We visited Uncle’s new animal barn where he raises chickens and roosters (for the eggs), peacocks (just for fun),and quail and pheasants (to release and hunt). We helped him train his new puppies by driving the lawnmower through the woods while dragging fox and squirrel hides behind. The dogs then learned to follow the scent.  We all shot some guns.  I hit the milk jug and DH didn’t, which made for some good teasing.  Munchkin wanted to shoot the gun initially but after watching decided she wouldn’t. She did scale the tree deer stand quite adeptly.  Bugaboo walked around with his toy pistol shooting everything and showing everyone his “camo pants.”

After lunch (fried chicken of course) and a nap, DH & I got ready to go to dinner. My college mentor/advisor was retiring after 40 years of teaching and they were having a dinner at a nearby country club in honor of him.  We changed out of our blue jeans and into a suit and dress.  Gone were the dirt stains under the nails and on went nail polish.

We arrived to find black suited wait staff walking around with hors d’oeuvres and glasses of wine. Dinner was a wonderful spinach salad followed by chicken, pasta, veggies and then wonderful dessert of apple pie or a carrot cake.  I went from handling a .44 magnum to deftly managing three forks and cloth napkins.  My topics of conversation went from the best way to cook venison to what I thought of the latest trends in tort reform.

Call me what you want, but I’m definitely a contemporary woman.  From redneck woman to sophisticated lady in less than two hours. How many can do that?

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