30 Things to do in 2012

Yeah I know, it’s almost the end of January. However I find myself procrastinating as of late.  Instead of a resolution, here are 30 things that are on my “to do” list in 2012 because I probably will do them at some point this year.  Consider them predictions (especially because in the time it took me to actually finishing writing and publishing this post, some have already occurred)

  1. Teach my children at least one new four-letter word  (check – me + Wii Super Mario brothers = bad language)
  2. Cry over a work case (done)
  3. Get a tattoo with my sister (done. Got my first.  Will post pictures sometime)
  4. Piss of my mother (done – see #3)
  5. Learn something new about my family (just discovered my father was convicted of felony child abuse – cruelty the year he died – and it wasn’t with respect to me or my sister)
  6. Love on my kids and learn new things about them.
  7. Realize my children are getting way too old too quick.
  8. Cope with my son’s sensory processing issues and my daughter’s anxiety issues.  Try not to go insane doing it.
  9. Struggle to adapt to change  (having just learned DH is switching to first shift, this is already occuring)
  10. Take back over the grocery shopping in an attempt to save money, actually have food in the house, and have something to eat besides Double stuffed oreos (not that those aren’t tasty).
  11. Struggle with my weight and exercising.
  12. Dye my hair at least 3 new shades and wonder why on earth I don’t just stick with the color I know and like.
  13. Plan someone’s death in agonizing detail – do nothing about it.
  14. Play “Just Dance” and laugh
  15. Try 5 new types of wine
  16. Read good books – some stupid filth trash novels (Sookie Stackhouse anyone?) and some really good ones (The Help)
  17. Curb my sarcastic side enough that I don’t get slapped.
  18. Do something which requires me to apologize to my children.
  19. Curse at an appliance in my house (done – the f***ing dishwasher broke)
  20. Dream of winning enough money to just pay off my school loans.
  21. Get irritated because other people are not as organized as me.
  22. Come up with new creative ways to organize my family (dry erase board To Do lists are working well)
  23. Be thankful for a husband that loves hunting and in-laws that love my children such that he can take the children to his parents, hunt all day, and leave me at home ALONE.
  24. Pin a zillion things to pinterest and only make about 5.
  25. Go scrapbooking with the girls (trip already planned).
  26. Realize how much I love my sister and miss her terribly when we are apart.
  27. Spend the first half of the year planning a beach vacation, then go and have a great time, and then the second half of the year planning next year’s trip.
  28. Go camping at least 2x.
  29. Drink insane amounts of coffee.
  30. Wonder for a brief second how much $$ I spend between coffee and scrapbook supplies, but then realize it’s still cheaper than prozac!

Happy 2012 everyone!

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I Started a Riot – in a Church

When Munchkin turned 4, we got her an “elf on a shelf” from “Elf Magic” and it is a stuffed type elf with yarn for hair. Very cute.  She came with snowflake paper cut-outs that you sprinkle on her and a little letter that was so sweet.  The only instructions were to leave a cracker and water out for the elf and sprinkle her with snowflakes every night.

I totally had a brain fart and was too damn lazy to go look at it when I remembered (last month) that I needed to order Bugaboo one.  So I ended up ordering from somewhere different and he got the actual Elf on a shelf plastic dude. (sort of ugly and creepy looking). Well plastic dude (who we named Scotty) came with a freakin’ instruction book and apparently the rules :eyebrow: say that you are not supposed to touch them or you’ll drain their magic or some crap. Who knew? Munchkin has been playing with her elf for a long time. So I just ignored that part and carried on.

Last night, Bugaboo wanted to take Elf Scotty to the library. Sure. Whatever gets a 3 year old out of the house without a temper tantrum. Right? We leave the library after reading to Scotty and having a nice (sans tantrums) time and go to pick up Munckin from her Girl Scouts meeting (which is held in a church). 

As we stood in the church lobby with all the Girl and Boy scout moms and kids, Bugaboo starts playing with Elf Scotty. 

Kids are FREAKING OUT EVERYWHERE!! Dive bombing him. “DON’T TOUCH THE ELF!” “YOU CAN’T TOUCH THE ELF!” “NO NO NO” “YOU’LL BREAK HIM!”  “YOU’LL DRAIN HIS MAGIC”

One kid was seriously crying. And another kid is like “mommy see he plays with his elf. I want to take (whatever he named it – I can’t remember) to school!” The mother shot me a look designed to kill me.

So kids were screaming. Moms were scrambling and I just wanted the floor to open up.

So if you read about a riot in a church — it was me. Now to find some wine and figure out what those damn elves are going to do tonight. I’m thinking fishing in the toilet is a good activity……………………  or maybe this will happen……

Raising Boys – this just might kill me

  My son is a rough and tumble type of boy. He loves to wrestle. When I try to do crunches or other floor exercise, I will be bodyslammed by him guaranteed.  He doesn’t back down one bit when met with an opponent on the soccer field.  He loves to play “tackle football” with anyone who will play.  A game of tag is not complete until he grabs you around the legs and forces you to the ground.  As a female, raised in a household with only a sister, and previously a mom to only a girl,  I was a bit concerned. My husband (obviously a man), raised in a household with a brother and in close proximity to male cousins, told me to relax.  He repeatedly says, “boys will be boys.”

I tried to relax.

Recently Bugaboo has moved to the 3 year old class at daycare. The afternoon teacher asked me if it was okay that he wrestle with some of the other boys. He is the smallest kid in the class. “Sure,” I said, mindful of my husband’s admonition to let him get his aggression out in safe ways.  She said that he seemed to love playing wrestling and football with the other children.

The next week there was a report that Bugaboo had spit on another kid – for no apparent reason. There were also reports of pushing, shoving and pinching – usually a tussle between a few kids.  When these happened, we reminded Bugaboo that “hands are not for hitting” and we needed to use soft touches and make good choices.  We talked about it being okay to wrestle and play football but not to just hit people. 

Yesterday I picked up Bugaboo and the afternoon teacher informed me that he had given another child a black eye.  What?  My cute adorable little blonde haired angel?  She explained that another child left his spot on the carpet, came up and gave her a hug and then walked back to the carpet to take his spot next to Bugaboo. Bugaboo reached out and cold-cocked him.  She said that she spoke to Bugaboo about it and showed him the injury later – after it had turned pretty colors. Bugaboo shut down and refused to say anything, other than to make baby noises (which is what he does when he knows he has done something wrong).  The teacher said the other mother was pretty upset (obviously).

I left daycare feeling like Loser Mother of the Year, and quite tearful that my child had blackened another kid’s eye.  Bugaboo and I talked about it and I did manage to glean the name of the other child – not someone with whom there have been prior incidents.  I went to sleep with visions of my child being labelled a Bully.

This morning, Husband dropped off Bugaboo and talked to the Morning Teacher about our desire for there to be strong consequences for hitting – an immediate time out and removal from any fun situations/games for a time period.  She seemed confused.  She explained that what she saw was Bugaboo and the other kids dancing and Bugaboo elbowed the other kid – she wasn’t sure if it was accidental or a “you’re in my space” thing. She said she’s never seen Bugaboo be aggressive or act unprovoked.

All of a sudden my child looks more like a typical kid?  The afternoon teacher is new to the center and has an older child – not sure if it is a boy or girl.  The morning teacher has been in this center for years, taught my daughter, and has two boys about the same age as my kids. 

So is my kid an unprovoked Bully? Or just a rough-house typical Boy?

I’m fixin’ to find out. I set up a conference with the teachers for this afternoon. If it’s an altercation between kids I’m more in line with their policy of separating the kids and talking things out.  If it’s an unprovoked event, then Bugaboo is in for some firm consequences.  If the first situation, I’ll apologize profusely to the other mother.  If the latter, I might have to bake her cookies and sobbingly beg her forgiveness!

Stay tuned for more information!

What I Learned from Road Tripping with 2 Children

Last week I drove 532 miles twice (which according to my calculator = 1,064 miles).  That equated to two 8 1/2 – 9 hour trips, in a car, with two children.  This is what I learned.

  • Leaving at 5:30 am is great because the children will go back to sleep and not wake until 8 am, which is about 30 minutes past the point when your bladder wants to explode because you required a SUPER-SIZED mug of coffee to wake yourself up enough to drive.
  • If you drink enough caffeine throughout the day to stay awake, you will have to stop too often for restroom breaks.
  • Restroom breaks with two children, one of which is potty-training, can not be accomplished in less than 35 minutes.
  • McDonalds has 132 locations along our drive. I know this because my 3 year old shouted “french fries” every time he saw one. 
  • 8 year olds do not believe that Chik-fil-a is closed on Sundays. Even when you drive by the store that has no one in it. They will cry when you tell them you will not stop at every location just to see if one is open.
  • It is possible to drive while reaching your hand into the backseat to pick up a dropped item, smack your 8 year olds leg to get them to stop screaming, and adjust the DVD player.
  • It is not insane to consider stopping at Walmart to purchase a new DVD player if you are unable to fix the old one.
  • It is not insane to buy two of every toy you pack in order to avoid fights.
  • No matter how well you plan, you will likely hit road construction, pouring rain or some other disaster.
  • You can kill at least an hour discussing why Connecticut is not pronounced – Connect-I-cut and why Illinois has a silent “s.”    Let’s not even start on Arkansas. 
  • Dumdum lollipops are the best invention. They are cheap. Children find it difficult to whine when sucking on one. Because they are small, you can give out about 8 before a sugar high meltdown ensues.
  • It is possible to drown out a 3 year old temper tantrum by opening all 4 windows, playing your music at top volume and singing along while driving 90 mph.

 

Weekend Getaways – men versus women

When I was telling my husband about our weekend getaway, I became aware at how differently such a weekend would be viewed by males versus females.

  • Planning – Men– grab whatever is clean in drawers, throw in a bag, get in car and go.  Women – consult datebook, arrange babysitter, ensure enough food is left at house, emails about who will bring what, pack the night before, depart for trip with printed mapquest directions and a GPS.
  • Packing – Men – throw things in one vehicle.  Women – coordinate who is bringing what. Pack the night before. Fold everything neatly into a suitcase. Load suitcases into two or three vehicles. If scrapbooking, plan to take 2 vehicles for 4 people due to the large quantity of items packed.
  • Meals – Men – take out or fast food?  Pick up beer and chips at gas station.  Women – prepare detailed menu, complete with snacks.  Use GPS to find grocery store. Retrieve coupons from glove box and make sure at least one person has the grocery discount store. Go methodically up and down aisles buying things like brie, crackers, fruit, wine and coffee.
  • Beds – Men – throw sleeping bag on mattress.  Ensure no male is sleeping in the same bed as another male.    Throw suitcase in corner.  Women – determine who will share a bed and a room.  Make all beds with fresh sheets and distribute towels and handtowels. Unpack clothes and hang them up neatly in closet. Store suitcases under bed.
  • TV – Men- find sports. Turn volume up loudly. Yell at each other and TV.  Women – find music station and play quietly in the background so as not to distract from meaningful conversation.  Discuss families, children and jobs.
  • EntertainmentMen – find sports bar or sports on TV. Go hunting or fishing or 4-wheeling.  Women – scrapbook, knit or crochet. Pick up brochures to determine agenda for the day.
  • Sight-seeingMen – find pretty blondes on TV — see, what a sight!  Women – find winery or antique shop that features locals. Map out route so as to see the local attractions. Plan to leave so as to accommodate everyone.
  • LeavingMen – put on shoes and leave.  Women – plan who will shower first. Take 1 hour each to shower and put on makeup.  Depart several hours later.
  • Snacks – Men – chips from bag. Beer from can. Good.  Women – heat brie in oven. Place on coffetable on nice plate. Distribute crackers onto a serving platter. Distribute plates and napkins.  Pour wine into matching wineglasses, complete with stem decorations so that everyone knows which glass belongs to which lady.
  • Unexpected Tire changeMen – brag about past experience with vehicles. Break tire and jack trying to remove from car.  Jack up without consulting manual and break off floorboard. Curse at vehicles driving by for not slowing down.  Hurt back trying to be macho and lift things alone. Go home and brag to buddies.  Women – consult manual. Realize jack and tire are bolted down and can not be removed without following written instructions. Break into groups so as to flag down vehicles and safely change tire.  Find experienced help quickly.
  • HomecomingMen to Wives – what did you do all weekend (as he surveys the spotless house).  Women to Men – what did you do all weekend (as she surveys the damage left for her to clean).

Damsels (not) in Distress

 As I wrote about in my last post, I was away on a Girls’ Weekend. We had much wine fun. 

On Friday we arrived at the mountain cabin after a trip to the grocery store.  We then drove down two gravel roads during which time we lost cell phone service and internet capability.  The view from the cabin was breathtaking. Friday night consisted of eating food, drinking wine and catching up.  Saturday consisted of a wine tour and tasting, a nice meal out, more wine at the cabin and some scrapbooking.  We then slept in on Sunday and drove home, by way of another winery where we did another tasting.  We also hit a chocolate factory one day and purchased some chocolate to go with our wine.  It was much fun.  No crying kids. No husbands. No phone. No internet. No email. 

Our only real adventure came when we left on Sunday.  We thought the car acted funny but blew it off as being a bit sluggish on the gravel road. When we pulled onto the paved road we realized that there was indeed something wrong.  A quick glance at the car revealed an extremely flat tire.  Polling revealed that only I had ever changed a tire (thank you Dad for finally teaching me something useful and insisting I know how to change a flat and thanks to my 1976 vehicle that left me with a flat tire thereby ensuring I actually had practiced those skills in the past).

I instructed the driver to pull back onto the paved road so the vehicle was level.  I retrieved the instruction manual and she and I unloaded the car to access the spare tire. The other girl watched for traffic.  The last girl was quite sure we should not be changing the tire and went off to find a male neighbor.  I remembered enough to know that when jacking up a car you should make sure the jack contacts with steel or metal, and not plastic.  The instruction booklet showed a picture of just such a point.  We finally figured out how to unscrew the jack and tire from the compartment (car manufacturers definitely don’t want to let you access such things easily – THREE bolts fastened the suckers down).  We had the spare tire out and the car halfway jacked up when the friend returned with the male neighbor.

He told us we were doing a great job but he’d be glad to help us out, especially with the lug nuts since they are often very tight.  We let him take over.  Soon we were back on the road and 1/4 mile later pulled off for some gas.  Since this was a country (middle of nowhere) gas station, you had to pay inside.  When asked, the cashier mentioned a car repair shop just down the road.  A quick call later, and we learned the owner had stopped in to pay some bills and would be glad to plug the tire for us.  A short while later and $30 paid ($20 bill and we tipped the man $10 for helping us out) and we were on our way. Less than 1 hour lost from top to bottom.

We felt pretty proud of ourselves.  While we did accept help, I know that we probably could have managed on our own. And we wouldn’t have had to resort to this –

Enemies of the Clutz

Clutz – Someone who is extremely careless, stupid and a hazard to be around. Trips over shoes constantly, breaks anything he touches, should not be allowed around heavy machinery or anything that might put other’s lives in danger. (from urban dictionary)

I am a clutz. No doubt about it. From the time I was born I have been a clutz.  I could blame it on the fact that I grew to fast, I have big feet, I have depth-perception issues or on a whole host of issues. But the point is, if the floor is wet, I will fall.

A few years ago, I walked into a very nice resort with a beautiful slate floor. The problem is that it was raining.  I slipped and did the “running man” where you run forward, trying to catch yourself.  I caught myself, all right.  By running, face first, into a jagged rock wall.  I came to looking up at the resort manager asking me my name and if I knew where I was.  I said something about being there for a legal conference to which she responded, “You’re an attorney” and everyone around me (we were all there for the conference) said “Yes, we are all attorneys,” to which I swear she said, “Oh shit!”  One ambulance ride later I was in the ER where I found out that sadly, my nose was not broken.  I was hoping for some plastic surgery – never did like my nose. Unfortunately the doctor said it would go right back to the way it was in a few days when the swelling and black eyes faded.

Last night I thought the meeting started at 6:30.  Only after I had settled Bugaboo in the tub did I realize it started at 6:00 meaning that we were currently already 5 minutes late.  Toddlers don’t like being disrupted when they are in the middle of their favorite activity (bathing) and so he proceeded to throw a fit. You may recall that I have previously been taken out by Bugaboo throwing his plate of food on the floor.  Yes, that was me – the one who slipped on corn and dislocated my knee.  So this time, you’d think I’d be more careful. Nope – ran in the bathroom and WHOOSH!  Flat on my back on the pink tiled floor.  Today my behind provides a remarkable imprint of that tile pattern.  Luckily I escaped this time with minor bruising and a twisted ankle.  I’m not telling anyone though. I can just see the medical records……………Clutz strikes again.

So just call me Clumsy

If you are also Clumsy, let me offer this advice.  Enemies of the Clutzy include –

  • High heeled shoes, wedges or flip-flops – you should avoid these type shoes at all costs.  Clutzes can’t just break a heel like normal people. No, your heel gets caught in the escalator while the rest of you continues moving. Your flipflop melts a bit and adheres to the hot tar of the pavement while you continue to walk. Wedges are just disastrous and not designed for those who lack balance.  Trust me.
  • Stairs, escalators and moving walkways – need I even explain why? 
  • Wet surfaces – just avoid them at all costs.  I am currently working on obtaining a statement from my doctor which excuses me from mopping, bathing, washing my children or dogs, and doing laundry.  I do not do well around wet surfaces.  Perhaps it is because I like swimming so much that my behind desires to be in direct touch with the wet floor?  All I know is that clutzes need to turn and walk away (slowly and carefully) when they see the wet floor sign.
  • Round Objects – balls, beads or other round objects on the floor will inevitably end up underneath your feet.  ‘Nough said
  • Toddlers and pets – yes they will rush at your ankles and knees and yes, they will take you out.
  • Rushing – just when you think you have mastered the art of walking without falling, along comes a deadline.  Rushing is just a way of insuring disaster will come.

The best product for a clutz

Aflac – seriously.

Their accident policy is a blessing.  I collect on it every year (I shouldn’t brag about that probably).  It started when I fell down the stairs at my apartment 10 years ago, just 6 months after getting the policy.  Submitted the doctor’s bill for the diagnosed “Bruised buttocks – use hemoroid-like pillow for sitting” and collected $$.  Then there were the 2 car accidents (only 1 of which was my fault), followed by the run-in (literally) with the rock wall, described above.  Another fall down the stairs (this time they were not carpeted) and then the slip on corn incident.  Too bad my Aflac coverage ended with my last job.  Then again, I’m not sure they wouldn’t try to disqualify me based on my pre-existing condition as a diagnosed Clutz!

(are you a clutz? tell me your best story in the comment section)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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