The New State Diet Plan

Rumors abound that the state is moving toward a new health insurance that will have a built-in obesity tax.  If your BMI is in the overweight or obese category, you will pay more for insurance. 

(insert cursing here)

Apparently at the local level they have decided to come up with creative ways to force us to lose weight.  I had my first experience with one earlier this week.

It’s bad enough that a jury trial bumped us out of the typical, large courtroom and into the small, cramped courtroom with old, vinyl, laminate green covered chairs.  But when I walked in, it was 85 degrees in there.  Of course it was an extraordinarily large docket too.  Imagine a small, cramped courtroom filled with people you really don’t want to associate with, crammed into this hot room. It smelled.  We all sweated. It smelled more.  Someone got the bright idea to bring in a fan. All that did is circulate the smell.  You could tell who had spent all weekend drinking by the noxious odors pouring off their skin. The man to my left obviously favored cheap beer. 

The Judge, in his infinite wisdom, decided to press on, full-steam ahead, in an attempt to get us done earlier.  By mid-morning you could tell who was missing their fix.  People started twitching.  As they twitched, sweat would fly off in different directions.  In a few hours more, we started to hear a rumble. Could it be the start of the air conditioning?  Nope, it was snoring coming from the back row.  Apparently the heat had caused two gentlemen to nod off.

After finally calling for a break, we rushed out into the slightly cooler hallway. That only made returning to the courtroom more difficult.  People began stripping off layers of clothes.  Agh My Poor Eyes!  I’ve never seen so much pasty white flesh in my life.  And let me just say that if you are going to gain more than 50 lbs, you should not get a tattoo on your belly. I’m not sure what that explosion of color was designed to represent but it looked like tie-dye to me.

Maybe it was the heat, maybe it was pure stupidity, but we did have one moment of laughter when a defendant was questioned as to why he failed to appear for his scheduled court appearance last month.

“Your honor, I was conceiving a child in the hospital.”

“Conceiving?” asked the Judge, puzzled.

“Yes sir, conceiving.”

“Do you know what conceiving means?” the Judge asked.

“Yes sir. Having a baby.”

“No. Conceiving means making a baby. Not having a baby. You have to conceive the child before you can give birth.”

“Oh. No there wasn’t any of that going on. After seeing that baby come out, I don’t want nothin’ to do with no conceiving for awhile.”

The defendant’s ability to bring laughter to our circumstances did earn him an excuse for missing court. After all, he was in the midst of doing important things!

Finally it was 5 pm and court was done for the day.   I was certain the stench had followed me home until I smelled myself and realized it was me.  Guess this suit is headed to the cleaners.  On the plus side, I went home and learned the state weight loss plan had worked – I was down 2 pounds.