Clutz – Someone who is extremely careless, stupid and a hazard to be around. Trips over shoes constantly, breaks anything he touches, should not be allowed around heavy machinery or anything that might put other’s lives in danger. (from urban dictionary)
I am a clutz. No doubt about it. From the time I was born I have been a clutz. I could blame it on the fact that I grew to fast, I have big feet, I have depth-perception issues or on a whole host of issues. But the point is, if the floor is wet, I will fall.
A few years ago, I walked into a very nice resort with a beautiful slate floor. The problem is that it was raining. I slipped and did the “running man” where you run forward, trying to catch yourself. I caught myself, all right. By running, face first, into a jagged rock wall. I came to looking up at the resort manager asking me my name and if I knew where I was. I said something about being there for a legal conference to which she responded, “You’re an attorney” and everyone around me (we were all there for the conference) said “Yes, we are all attorneys,” to which I swear she said, “Oh shit!” One ambulance ride later I was in the ER where I found out that sadly, my nose was not broken. I was hoping for some plastic surgery – never did like my nose. Unfortunately the doctor said it would go right back to the way it was in a few days when the swelling and black eyes faded.
Last night I thought the meeting started at 6:30. Only after I had settled Bugaboo in the tub did I realize it started at 6:00 meaning that we were currently already 5 minutes late. Toddlers don’t like being disrupted when they are in the middle of their favorite activity (bathing) and so he proceeded to throw a fit. You may recall that I have previously been taken out by Bugaboo throwing his plate of food on the floor. Yes, that was me – the one who slipped on corn and dislocated my knee. So this time, you’d think I’d be more careful. Nope – ran in the bathroom and WHOOSH! Flat on my back on the pink tiled floor. Today my behind provides a remarkable imprint of that tile pattern. Luckily I escaped this time with minor bruising and a twisted ankle. I’m not telling anyone though. I can just see the medical records……………Clutz strikes again.
So just call me Clumsy
If you are also Clumsy, let me offer this advice. Enemies of the Clutzy include -
- High heeled shoes, wedges or flip-flops - you should avoid these type shoes at all costs. Clutzes can’t just break a heel like normal people. No, your heel gets caught in the escalator while the rest of you continues moving. Your flipflop melts a bit and adheres to the hot tar of the pavement while you continue to walk. Wedges are just disastrous and not designed for those who lack balance. Trust me.
- Stairs, escalators and moving walkways – need I even explain why?
- Wet surfaces – just avoid them at all costs. I am currently working on obtaining a statement from my doctor which excuses me from mopping, bathing, washing my children or dogs, and doing laundry. I do not do well around wet surfaces. Perhaps it is because I like swimming so much that my behind desires to be in direct touch with the wet floor? All I know is that clutzes need to turn and walk away (slowly and carefully) when they see the wet floor sign.
- Round Objects – balls, beads or other round objects on the floor will inevitably end up underneath your feet. ‘Nough said
- Toddlers and pets – yes they will rush at your ankles and knees and yes, they will take you out.
- Rushing – just when you think you have mastered the art of walking without falling, along comes a deadline. Rushing is just a way of insuring disaster will come.
The best product for a clutz
Aflac – seriously.
Their accident policy is a blessing. I collect on it every year (I shouldn’t brag about that probably). It started when I fell down the stairs at my apartment 10 years ago, just 6 months after getting the policy. Submitted the doctor’s bill for the diagnosed “Bruised buttocks – use hemoroid-like pillow for sitting” and collected $$. Then there were the 2 car accidents (only 1 of which was my fault), followed by the run-in (literally) with the rock wall, described above. Another fall down the stairs (this time they were not carpeted) and then the slip on corn incident. Too bad my Aflac coverage ended with my last job. Then again, I’m not sure they wouldn’t try to disqualify me based on my pre-existing condition as a diagnosed Clutz!
(are you a clutz? tell me your best story in the comment section)